I get to see my kids in less than two days. I don’t think I need to say that I’m excited.
My teenage twins go to boarding school two countries away. Whenever I write that, I feel the need to defend our family’s decision but I won’t, not here. Also, whenever I write that, I feel like I could follow it up with a litany of reasons boarding school is hard, that I could instead title this post 6 Terrible Things about Boarding School. But I won’t do that here either.
One of the hardest things to do in all of life, and yet one of the most beneficial things to do, is to maintain a heart of thankfulness. In the spirit of that thankfulness (and because I get to see them so soon) here are 6 really great things about boarding school.
Physical Affection. My teenagers still hug me. In front of their friends and at school. Even their friends hug me, big hulking senior boys I’ve known since they were in first grade and high school girls I’ve only recently met but who live with my daughter in the dorm. As precious as chubby toddler arms are around a parent’s neck, nothing compares to a 14-year old boy still willing to joyfully throw his arms around me and squeeze, to say, “I love you, mom.” And then run off to the field to roughhouse and play rugby with his friends, who have also just hugged their mothers.
Family time. Time together is infinitely precious, even to the teens. During term breaks I don’t have to argue with the family that we should take a day and go to the beach. We sit down together almost every single day of term break for lunch and dinner, which totals almost the same number of shared meals as the average American family. We have focused, intentional conversations and game nights. They play dress-up and laser-gun battles with their little sister and lavish attention on her. Very little time is wasted on silly arguments or nitpicking.
Cheers for Mom. My home-cooking never tasted so good. After weeks on end of cafeteria food, anything I put on the table at mealtime is greeted with grins and thanks and sometimes even cheers, double when dessert is involved.
Independence and Courage. The Washington Post had a recent article about helicopter parenting in which millennials brought their parents along to job interviews. My teenagers don’t even bring me along on international flights. They know how to handle themselves with airport security, customs control, at restaurants, in taxi cabs. They know how to ask for help when they need it and they are brave enough to do so, no matter what country they are in.
Confidence. My kids aren’t afraid of challenges or situations outside their comfort zone. They have traveled internationally and have been responsible for their passports, their visas, their money. They haven’t always been successful in these responsibilities and things have gotten lost, they’ve made mistakes. But they’ve also learned to take responsibility for those mistakes, that making a mistake isn’t the end of the world or a definitive aspect of who they are as a person.
Problem solving. I can’t step into every situation to resolve it for them. I can’t intervene, as much as I would like to, when they have a conflict with a roommate or a teacher. I can’t hover over their homework or do it for them or urge them to remember to put it into their backpack in the morning. This means they have to learn how to address their weaknesses of timeliness, relationships, study habits on their own. Of course we talk on the phone and Skype and offer suggestions and make plans together. But hovering is not an option.
The skills my teens are learning at boarding school involve more than academics or increased sports and musical opportunities. They are the skills they will need to function and thrive in college and employment, in social relationships, and in an increasingly global world.
Of course, some of these areas are things I long to be involved in – like homework problem solving or to experience travel together, it isn’t easy and we often reevaluate our choice of boarding school. But so far, both kids are thriving, I’m proud of them, and our family remains close. I’m practicing thankfulness every day.
What painful thing can you practice thankfulness for today?
hi Rach,
Thanks for your blogs. They have been encouraging and informative. I would appreciate meeting up with you. Drop me an email please.
Kind regards
Fafi
It was also a tough decision for us. I mean, we NEVER thought we would pack our kids off to boarding school! What kind of parent does that? Parents who realise the limits of their home situation and themselves, and trust other brothers & sisters to step into their kids’ lives. Not everything has been easy about adjusting to that very boarding school but we are hugely thankful for all those people becoming a wonderful, difficult, demanding, encouraging, hilarious & inspiring part of our children’s lives and ours. Yes indeed.
Amen. Exactly, Martha.
I’m thankful for the painful thought of not knowing where our next posting will be. As a planner, nothing freaks me out more than the unknown, but we are so fortunate to have an exciting and flexible life which is something many people dream of having.
That would be tough, I hope you are able to find out soon and make some plans.
I sent this to both my daughter and son who are both Mk’s . Our grandchildren by our daughter are also MK. They have had the best of both worlds…living abroad and in their home country. Their world views are huge. But the best thing I love about them is they are both “others” people. Life is not all about them. Great post. thanks
“Life is not about them.” So true, Betty. And not about us, either, as parents. Making good, hard choices isn’t something I had anticipated – hard for me, good for them…
This was hard for me to read. I understand every point you made, and I am sure my mom felt the same way. However, my three sisters and I grew up in a boarding school in Africa, and what a painful experience that was emotionally. I am now 60, and all of us girls became strong, confidant, and independent women, but the emotional damage was irreparable. Life is different today with technology and communication is instant. I am sure this helps with separation. Our mission is just now understanding the rippling damage that boarding school caused on hundreds of kids. I’m glad you and your kids are resilient.
I’m sorry to hear about your painful experience Karen. I DO think boarding has changed a lot, and of course the technology and ease of travel makes a huge difference. But it certainly isn’t all easy either and I’ve cried plenty of tears. I know stories like yours have influenced, for the better, my kids’ generation. Thank you for being open about the struggle.
Karen, I am sorry for how difficult boarding school was for you and many others. I have three children who grew up in Africa. My oldest was homeschooled all the way through. My second was homeschooled, went to a local International school, and also tried boarding school. Boarding just wasn’t a good fit for him. Our youngest has been in boarding school since 8th grade and graduates this July. She loves it and has thrived. I would agree to all the 6 reasons Rachel made in this blog post. Even still, our daughter knows that she always has the option to return home. Boarding school isn’t for everybody and parents always need to take that into consideration and revisit their decision as necessary. And as Rachel mentioned in her reply, much has changed over the years in boarding school. Many of the staff at my daughter’s school are former students and have endeavored to make it a better environment.
Hi Rachel,
I am so thankful for your post! I grew up at a boarding school in Kenya… My parents work there so I never was a boarding student, but they were dorm parents so I have seen all sides…it’s so hard following God’s calling in our lives but even more so when you are in a foreign country and when you have children…as a mum, I know that our main focus is our children. To send them away for months at a time is more than I can imagine, even though as a child I saw it happen…I applaud you for your faith and trust in the Lord with your family! KUDOS TO YOU! Keep on, Sister in Christ!
Michelle
Thanks Michelle.
Thanks for this. We are about to put my two middle children into boarding school. Our first born went in 11th and 12th grade and LOVED it. He THRIVED. His little brother has wanted to follow for years. I’m working my courage up to letting the two middle ones go. One more year with us 🙂 But I can AMEN everyone of your points, precious family moments…and maybe if I send my 14 year old, he’ll start hugging me in public again 🙂
I grew up at two different boarding schools in West Africa…and I still say that it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I loved it. Of course, there were times that I was terribly homesick…but my parents made every effort to let me know that being sent to the boarding schools was for MY benefit…not theirs! I wasn’t being “sent away” so that they could spend their important time “in ministry”. And there was no doubt that WE (my brother and I) were their priority! When we were on break, my parents spent lots of quality time with us…and we got to do things together as a family. The Lord provided amazing dorm parents and dorm assistants for us, that loved us like family…and so I felt like I had two families that loved me and that supported me. So be encouraged that you don’t have to defend your decision. There are times when boarding school really IS the best option for missionary families.
Rachel, thank you for your blog. I’m wondering if your kids go to the same school as where my sone teaches. He also went there in high school, as my husband and I were stationed at the same place doing medical missions. We are still with the mission and moving back to Kenya later this year. Our son comes home for a six-month home assignment; I’ll be asking him if he knows your kids! Thanks for your great blog, and blessings to you and your family in the work you do.
BTW, we are also Minnesotans and live in Grand Marais!
Probably! I think I recognize your last name – is he a coach of one of the sports teams as well?
Yes, he coaches girls’ varsity soccer….and when I asked him, he says he knows your two kids! Nice to “meet you” here!
Thank you for this post. My daughter is not in bordering school, but it may be a possibility down the road. The very few people I know that went to boarding school are now adults that do not have close relationships with their families of origin. Your post gives me encouragement that it can turn out differently.
I was at boarding school in the 70s, and came out unscathed in fact think it did me the world of good (won’t know if being a day boy would have made the same difference). It certainly prepared me for life in the army and then a career in the oil industry.
It made me stand on my own two feet and get on with life – think that did upset my mom, as she become redundant in the care department – learnt to do it all for myself.
None of my kids went to boarding school, wife would never lived with that.
This is a wonderful post and one that I am so thankful for. Just today I posted on facebook that boarding schools are dumb. Ha! I only wrote that because we leave Saturday to take our two children to their boarding school. We actually love our school and we are very blessed to have the best dorm parents co-parenting our kids with us. Each summer, however, we rethink and re-pray through our decision to do boarding school. It is a continual roller coaster adventure. Our son will start this adventure this year, while our daughter has been there two years. One of my favorite things about boarding school is how close our daughter has gotten to her dorm brothers and sisters. She loves them and they love her. They are protective of each other and I am so grateful for that. I am praying our son has the same experience.
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Hi Rachel, Your article made me think about a subject I haven’t thought about in a long time….boarding school. I raised six TCKs in West Africa. I homeschooled all of them: choosing not to send them to the boarding school in our country. We thought about it….with every child. Of course this is a decision that is based on the individual child. So every few years we would reconsider, but always decided against it. It is a very difficult decision. I have friends who have done international school, boarding school, and homeschool. No one is a perfect fit. But having passed through the waters, raised teens, having multiple friends who are TCKs and parents of TCKs, and knowledge of the world, I lean towards keeping the children at home, is at all possible.